Finally I have understood the real reason why this place feels like a torture. It is NOT the mess food, it is NOT homesickness (I used to think this). In fact, I have the same feeling at home sometimes, so it CANNOT be something college-specific. It is lack of Individuality and personal freedom. It is lack of trust on each other. It is the fear of being constantly judged. It is the absence of a person whom you can be yourself with. No, I will not post anonymously. What I am saying is right, and remember truth triumphs. The anonymous account is for those who fear and still want to post.
One fine day, someone tells you that the 4 years you spend in college will be the best 4 years of your life. And you compare it to the current life you are having while preparing for JEE. As a consequence, you have high expectations set from college life. And the college has nothing compared to what you expected. Not because the college actually lacks something, but because you lost something very worthwhile to actually come here. It is NOT home I am talking of, moving out of your home was always known to be a reality. This is what came as a surprise. Oh, and by the way, it is not you I am talking of, the person is ME...
You lost your individuality. You lost a carefree attitude. You now have to be bothered about a million things that you never cared about, being judged by the people around you is one of them. And not just one of them, the worst of them. This is something I feel I will never get back, and it feels pathetic. It feels helpless when you can't share what you feel with anyone, literally anyone just for the fear of being judged. And yes, that anyone includes your friends, your family, your teachers, and pretty much anyone you know. It is somewhat better at home for you are slightly more comfortable with them. But let me tell you this, even after all that I said about students, Thapar is a shitty place.
I had to migrate my blog for the fear of being judged. For the fear of being judged by the teachers. Those about whom I wrote something just 3 days ago. Now, I have to think of a thousand things before I take any decision.
Had only 15 friends in coaching. Have over a hundred here. But not one of those hundred is as close as anyone in those 15 was. Those were the people I could actually be myself with. For we all knew each other, trusted each other. Poked our nose into the other's matter as if it was a birthright, and never minded when someone else poked a nose into our matter. The level of transparency we had with each other was exceptional.
Now, everything changed. Sure, we do have fun in college, but it is nothing compared to what we had in those days. Those were the real golden days of life.
Not only I lost my individuality in Thapar, I also lost a comfort I had. No person in my life now knows the real me. And that is not good I feel. But hey, that is how the world is. You keep secrets. You overload your mind with secrets, what you have kept from whom. This, and not engineering, is the real cause of stress. This, I feel, is the reason I prefer to be in my room with headphones on rather than being out in the campus with some friends. I may blow up a cover. Why do I even have to keep a cover? Why can't I be myself? Why do these people have to judge me? If I sleep early, I don't see any logic to conclude that I wake up to study when the rest of the college is sleeping. If I like to code, I don't see a single logic to conclude I am preparing for placements. This is all bullshit, and this is all the students here can come up with.
Now I don't know if the students, the teachers, the timings, the environment, the course outline or what else is responsible for this, but there is something I do know. That I was a better programmer when the semester started. And the difference is a lot. I was enthusiastic, keen on taking up and finishing projects. Today, even when I have a project, I don't want to code. I don't know why, I want to get out of this. But how?? And in fact, this is something I cannot discuss with anyone.
My family will say that I need to figure out a way out myself, and all this useless human psychology thing, and not admit that it is the system which is somewhere at fault. For the system is always good. I should attend every class according to them, because I may miss something important. What?? They have given me a 25% leverage. And I have decided, next semester onward, my attendance will be around 75% at the end of the semester, not 90%.
My friends will start irritating me on this. Like you already know so much and shit. I can't expect a solution from them. On the contrary, they will try to make me believe this fact, which I know for sure is true, is false. Like those are the people proud if their attendance is low. I mean, if my family is one extreme, my friends are another extreme!
What no person realises is that programming is not a means to earn a livelihood for me, it is my passion. Money is secondary. It is an asset.
Though I know that for long, no person will at all read this post, I will say this. If you can help me with a solution to any of the above mentioned problems, please do drop a comment. Anytime. 5 years, 10 years, 20 years from this post won't matter. Maybe it doesn't help me, it will help some junior. And the way this college is progressing, the juniors need much more help.
One fine day, someone tells you that the 4 years you spend in college will be the best 4 years of your life. And you compare it to the current life you are having while preparing for JEE. As a consequence, you have high expectations set from college life. And the college has nothing compared to what you expected. Not because the college actually lacks something, but because you lost something very worthwhile to actually come here. It is NOT home I am talking of, moving out of your home was always known to be a reality. This is what came as a surprise. Oh, and by the way, it is not you I am talking of, the person is ME...
You lost your individuality. You lost a carefree attitude. You now have to be bothered about a million things that you never cared about, being judged by the people around you is one of them. And not just one of them, the worst of them. This is something I feel I will never get back, and it feels pathetic. It feels helpless when you can't share what you feel with anyone, literally anyone just for the fear of being judged. And yes, that anyone includes your friends, your family, your teachers, and pretty much anyone you know. It is somewhat better at home for you are slightly more comfortable with them. But let me tell you this, even after all that I said about students, Thapar is a shitty place.
I had to migrate my blog for the fear of being judged. For the fear of being judged by the teachers. Those about whom I wrote something just 3 days ago. Now, I have to think of a thousand things before I take any decision.
Had only 15 friends in coaching. Have over a hundred here. But not one of those hundred is as close as anyone in those 15 was. Those were the people I could actually be myself with. For we all knew each other, trusted each other. Poked our nose into the other's matter as if it was a birthright, and never minded when someone else poked a nose into our matter. The level of transparency we had with each other was exceptional.
Now, everything changed. Sure, we do have fun in college, but it is nothing compared to what we had in those days. Those were the real golden days of life.
Not only I lost my individuality in Thapar, I also lost a comfort I had. No person in my life now knows the real me. And that is not good I feel. But hey, that is how the world is. You keep secrets. You overload your mind with secrets, what you have kept from whom. This, and not engineering, is the real cause of stress. This, I feel, is the reason I prefer to be in my room with headphones on rather than being out in the campus with some friends. I may blow up a cover. Why do I even have to keep a cover? Why can't I be myself? Why do these people have to judge me? If I sleep early, I don't see any logic to conclude that I wake up to study when the rest of the college is sleeping. If I like to code, I don't see a single logic to conclude I am preparing for placements. This is all bullshit, and this is all the students here can come up with.
Now I don't know if the students, the teachers, the timings, the environment, the course outline or what else is responsible for this, but there is something I do know. That I was a better programmer when the semester started. And the difference is a lot. I was enthusiastic, keen on taking up and finishing projects. Today, even when I have a project, I don't want to code. I don't know why, I want to get out of this. But how?? And in fact, this is something I cannot discuss with anyone.
My family will say that I need to figure out a way out myself, and all this useless human psychology thing, and not admit that it is the system which is somewhere at fault. For the system is always good. I should attend every class according to them, because I may miss something important. What?? They have given me a 25% leverage. And I have decided, next semester onward, my attendance will be around 75% at the end of the semester, not 90%.
My friends will start irritating me on this. Like you already know so much and shit. I can't expect a solution from them. On the contrary, they will try to make me believe this fact, which I know for sure is true, is false. Like those are the people proud if their attendance is low. I mean, if my family is one extreme, my friends are another extreme!
What no person realises is that programming is not a means to earn a livelihood for me, it is my passion. Money is secondary. It is an asset.
Though I know that for long, no person will at all read this post, I will say this. If you can help me with a solution to any of the above mentioned problems, please do drop a comment. Anytime. 5 years, 10 years, 20 years from this post won't matter. Maybe it doesn't help me, it will help some junior. And the way this college is progressing, the juniors need much more help.
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